I was trapped by circumstances for 63 years and now I am truly retired. Free and liberated. I have no worries or stress any more for I have learnt through bitter lesson that attachments to circumstances lead one to an active life, and one needs freedom from active life. This means not to respond to beliefs, ideas, ambitions, plans. One just needs to go with the flow promptly and instinctively.
All my essential correspondence is completed: I have no outstanding issues to deal with. There is no one on Earth now who will bother me with needs as I have abandoned my past and am dealing with my mind in the present here and now.
So I wish to talk about Liberation.
Why does one need freedom from active life: the simple answer is so that the mind does not suffer mental anxieties. For dealing with issues that crop up requires an understanding of the subject matter. This generates thoughts of complexity that requires analysis so that the correct decision is made. What is the correct decision in each case? There is no correct decision in each case for the State or religion will tell you what it needs to implement as the correct decisions and actions resulting but this leads one to question whether what the State or religion is doing is right or wrong morally. What is moral? There is no answer to that for in my intense search for God to tell me that, I found no Personal God that could or would answer that question. The result is that the mind of the idealist is stricken by what the Psychiatrist describe as persistent delusional disorder.
So the correct way of dealing with it is to withdraw from active life as far as possible. Fortunately for me I have a divine wife who takes care of all our needs and I do receive an employment-related pension to supplement her income. So we have no financial worries. Hence I am fortunate enough to be liberated to the extent that I take my anti-psychotic and anti-depressant and high cholesterol medications as my wife insists I need to do.
Am I 100 per cent liberated? It is all in the mind. Some would argue that to listen to my wife's needs from me in cooperating with the State Mental Health Authorities in implementing the Care Plan outlined for me means that I am not. But I do so willingly because I know that my wife has to be happy with me if we wish to live as a husband and wife (plus daughter) so pleasing her is essential as she pleases me with all her care and goodness towards all whom we come in contact with.
When I do chores for my wife and daughter, my mind undergoes stress no doubt but if my actions are conducive to their happiness, I am happy with myself. I feel liberated as a result.
Had I been working I would have been under tremendous work-related stress to add to my home-maintenance stress, and this stress was so enormous that on two occasions (2004 and 2008) I as forced by the State to go into mental hospital under sectioning (The Mental Health Act). The periods in hospital relieved me considerably of my stress and I came out revitalised to take on my role in the family. I had jobs that I coped with, but I nearly came to a third nervous breakdown a few weeks ago until I decided to do something about my true retirement from active life.
I asked my wife this morning whether she has seen any changes in me and she said yes. So we are living happily together. If there are any future stresses within the family that we both could not cope with, that will be a time for separation, a point that we had both reached on a few occasions until our marriage vows and thoughts for the welfare of our daughter prompted us to stay together.
I smoke cigarettes which my wife thoroughly disapproves of and we nearly ended up with domestic violence on that score before I could convince her that I needed the cigarettes to cope with stress that are associated with my ideals. Now she lets me smoke reluctantly. But if it was the case that she stopped me from smoking I would give up smoking for I love my wife and daughter considerably. It is for this reason alone that I take my anti-psychotic medication of risperidone (4 mg daily) and aripripazole (5 mg daily) and anti-depressant medication of sertraline (100 mg daily) prescribed to me by the National Health Service who consider these to be necessary to control me enough so that I might be able to live in the community instead of being sent to the mental hospital again. So far it has worked as I adhere also to the Care Plan that she has written out for me of do's and don'ts. It is my intention, whether that is associated with my marriage vow or my personal drive for sanity in not letting down another human being to whom I made promises, to live with her in comfort and joy for the rest of my life.
I do not therefore wish to become a monk like Buddha did to get away from the stresses of living a modern life, and wish to enjoy all that life has in store for me with contentment. Liberation or moksha is therefore not something worthwhile to aim for if one has responsibilites to the family and society while still at work in order to earn ones livelihood. Above all I do not wish to be recluse but engage in family and society as a member of humanity.
So I have attachments and am not fully liberated, because I am not selfish. This is what the Hindu religious thought focuses on in order to ascertain whether there is God, Truth Consciousness, or Brahman-generated construction of the universe. I have travelled through those paths of learning about dharma (duties and righteous actions) and decided that they are not for me. I act spontaneously with everyone that I come across.
Dated: 28 September 2019